Coming clean

I'm sick. And I'm really lonely. I hate saying that. It sounds so dramatic. It's something that comes and goes...for everybody, I think. But it's worse when you're sick. And when it's Christmas.

My friends have asked me what I'm doing for Christmas. I laugh and shrug and say "probably working." And they accept it and move on. Only I realize now that Christmas is on Sunday. I'm not working. I don't have any excuses or any distractions. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm sure any of my friends would welcome me at their house, but I don't want to be the last-minute guest, the "Christmas orphan" anymore. I want to be expected by someone, not invited.

I wish I had someone to take care of me when I'm sick. Or even just to sit with me while I'm stuck on the couch. I watched TV for 8 hours straight today and prayed that someone would come see me. I have good friends. They know that I'm sick, but they don't know that I need them, and I am always too proud to ask. When my phone rang I cheered. But it was my roommate calling to tell me she would be at her parents' house all night and not to worry about her. I hardly see her when she's here, but knowing she is in the next room can be so comforting I can't even explain. Just that there is life in my house with me. That's why I am grateful for my cat. I never feel completely alone with her here. She's all I've got tonight because I waited too long and now everyone I could call will be asleep.

I never want to be burdensome or demanding. But it can't be too much to want someone to want to spend Christmas with me or want to sit with me when I'm sick, because I would do that for someone. I would love to do that for someone.

Sorry to unload like this.

One good thing about tonight was my shower with Sudacare vapor tablets. Turns your bathroom into a mentholyptis steam room. And as no one was home, I could listen to my music as loud as I wanted. I also cried as loud as I wanted. I'm not adding that for pity, but to illustrate how therapeutic the whole experience was. Everyone should have a good cry-out at least once every three months, it's healthy. Anyway, I highly endorse the product. Best shower in a long time.

1 chicken, 2 chickens...

I haven't written anything because I don't like to think about things that might happen, which haven't yet. But nothing has changed, and sitting and waiting isn't much fun either. So just to catch up, here are my unhatched chickens:

I applied to zoos all over. DC, Seattle, San Diego (2X)

I decided to try to go back to college.

I heard from San Diego.

I decided to stick with the college thing.

I started to really like a boy.

I want to take him to college with me.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up with whatever chicken decides to hatch so I can stop worrying about it. Did I mention the boy made me a CD to listen to when I am under stress?

I think I will listen to it and make some scrambled eggs. That sounds really good right now.